Mojo! Part 3 of The Big Giant Crossover Show!
by Father Hulk
Summary: The Crossovers abound in MOJO! Get ready for action when Britain's GROOVIEST superspy becomes the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts! Loads of laughs guaranteed! *FINISHED 8-14-03!!* R/R please!
1. Vernon's Got A Secret

****

Mojo

by Father M.J. Hulk

OPENING WORDS: Hello, once again my children! Welcome back to "The Big Giant Crossover Show!" I know I used to say these things would come out once a week, but I've been sooooo busy… anywho, this one is sure to be as good as the others, if not better. So jump on Platform 9 ¾ because we're off to Hogwarts once again! *Rings the train whistle three times* I always wanted to do that…

Harry Potter slowly walked down the stairs in Number Four, Privet Drive, towards the living room. His Aunt Petunia was making a fuss over his cousin, Dudley, who had just come home and managed to get one "A" on his report card.

"Oooh, my ickle Dudley is so smart! Oh, wait until we tell Auntie Marge! She'll be…"

"Ahem…" Harry quietly cleared his throat. Uncle Vernon started like an unpleasant odor had just drifted in from outside.

"What do YOU want?" he growled.

"Well, as you know," Harry began calmly, "Tomorrow is the first day of my sixth year at Hog… er, my _school._"

Vernon's eyes narrowed. "Do tell."

"And, I'll need somebody to take me to King's Cross Station tomorrow morning."

"Hah!" Vernon spat. "You think after all the crap you put us through, that we're actually going to help you get to your little nut job school?"

"Yes." said Harry with a slight smile.

"Forget it!" roared Vernon. "Have your sick little friends take you! I will not take part in any of that nonsense!"

Harry's hand drifted idly down to his pocket.

"Oh ho!" Vernon cried. "Don't even think about it! You'll be expelled from that loony bin for sure if you so much make a spark from that blasted device!"

But it was not his wand that Harry removed from his pocket, but a magazine. The rear cover had an advertisement, so that Vernon and Petunia couldn't see what the title was, but Harry beckoned Vernon over to him. Out of pure curiosity, Vernon lumbered over and looked at the front cover, jumped three feet, and glared at Harry in utmost hatred.

"I found this under your mattress," Harry said with a smile. "Maybe I should show Aunt Petunia…"

"NO!" Vernon cried immediately. "No… no need for her to see my motorcycle digest, now, is there?" He managed a false chuckle, and a false smile at his wife, then he turned back to Harry. "This is blackmail," he snarled. "You know that, right?"

"Of course."

"Grr…" he was in a fix now, because if he didn't take the boy to King's Cross, he'd show Petunia the magazine… but if he did, then he'd have to deal with being seen with the boy and his owl and his ruddy school books…

"Very well." Vernon said after a brief silence. "Pack your bloody things, and we'll go tomorrow. Now… put that away."

Harry grinned, and turned and walked back into the hallway. Then he turned so that only Vernon could see him, and opened the magazine to the centerfold.

"PUT IT AWAY!!!"

The following morning, Harry found himself dumped in front of Platform 9 at King's Cross, and he smiled as the Dursley's car sped away. Now all he had to do was wait for Ron and Hermione, who said they'd meet him here. His wait was not long.

"Oy! Harry!" Ronald Weasley called from his left. "Over here!"

"Hello, Ron," said Harry, happy to see his old friend once again.

"Was that your Muggle family bringing you here?" Ron asked. "I thought they'd never even speak to you again, after last year."

"I have connections." Harry said.

"Where's Hermione?" Ron asked, looking around.

"I'm right here!" exclaimed a female voice, and within an instant, Hermione Granger had jumped on Ron from behind and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Didja miss me, Ronnie?"

"Oy, get off! Get off!" Ron cried, shaking himself so that Hermione was forced off. "What's with you all of a sudden?"

"Oh… nothing." she pouted, hurt by Ron's negative reaction. But she recovered quickly and said, "Come on, we should get onto the platform."

"'ang on," Ron said, looking to his left, "Let's wait for Ginny."

They didn't have long to wait. In moments, Ginny came running towards them, quite agile now in her fifth year. Harry smiled as she approached. She was so beautiful… but as he had found out last year, she was no longer interested in him. But that didn't stop Harry from admiring her from afar, dreaming of the day that they'd be together.

"Hello, everyone," she said, a bit out of breath. "Oh, hello Harry! Well come on, let's go before the train leaves! Come on!" She took Harry's hand and yanked him through the barrier. The others quickly followed.

Suddenly, something struck Harry. "Ron? How'd you get here? Where are your parents?"

Ron smiled. "Got my driver's license last month."

"Your WHAT?" Ginny asked.

Hermione answered. "It's a piece of paper that Muggles have to have to be able to drive a car."

"Ohhh…"

"But what did you drive?" Harry asked.

Ron grinned bigger. "You'd never think that old car would come home, did you?"

"You don't mean…"

"Yup. We found it back in our driveway last night. From what I heard, Grawp scared it from the woods and it had nowhere else to go."

"But you didn't FLY it?" Hermione said.

"Oh, no. Just drove it. Bloody inconvenient if you ask me. But Mom and Dad told me they can't keep bringing us here, so I had to learn to drive. I said, 'Mum, why can't I just use my broomstick?' And she says, 'Yeah right! That's almost as bad as being seen in a flying car!' So I was all like…"

"Ron!" Ginny cut in, "That's enough."

RIIIIING!

"Damn, the train!" Hermione said. "Come on, we have to get on!"

They quickly scrambled into the end compartment as the Hogwarts Express chugged out of the station.

The train ride was quite pleasurable. They played exploding snap and bought chocolate frogs and etc. etc. etc. everything they do on the Hogwarts train. They were rudely interrupted, however, by some unexpected guests late in the ride.

"Hello… Potter." drawled the icy voice of Draco Malfoy.

"Out!" Harry snarled, pointing immediately at the door. "Get out. We don't want you here at ALL. Beat it!"

But Malfoy simply smiled. "Temper, temper, Potter. One day that temper will get you in serious trouble."

"What do you want?" Ron growled.

"I just thought you'd like to know that I've learned dozens of new spells and hexes over the summer. In other words," he lowered his voice maliciously, "None of you mess with me this year. Or you'll find yourself with a squid tentacle for each arm."

Crabbe and Goyle snickered.

"Come on, mates, let's leave Potter and his _friends_ alone." And they were gone.

"Ha. I'm not scared of him." Ron snorted.

"Yeah, if they bug me once, I'll perform _avada kadavra_ on the lot of them." Harry muttered under his breath. But Hermione had heard him, and gasped.

"You can't, Harry! That's life in Azkaban _and_ the Dementor's kiss! Don't even say that!"

Harry looked up. "It's a joke, Hermione. A joke. You know… 'ha ha'?"

She rolled her eyes.

At last the Hogwarts Express arrived at Hogsmeade station, and, dressed in their robes anew, the students began scrambling out of the train.

"Firs' years! Firs' years this way!" came the booming voice of Rubeus Hagrid. "You three all righ'?"

"Hi, Hagrid!" Hermione waved, and soon they were ushered onto the carriages pulled by the mysterious skeleton horses. Harry didn't consider it a gift that he could see them. And finally, they arrived at the great oak doors to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!

Professor McGonagall met them at the door. "Welcome back to Hogwarts, everyone! I'm glad we've all managed to stay safe and sound over the summer." She looked over at Harry and nodded, and continued. "Please come inside to the great hall, and first years come with me to await the arrival of the Sorting Hat."

The doors to the school opened, and Harry breathed deep with relaxation as he entered his true home. The great hall was beautifully decorated as usual, and he made his way over to Gryffindor table, where his friends were waiting for him.

"Hullo, Harry!" said Nevillle Longbottom. "Listen, listen! I learned how to produce a Patronus!"

"Really?" Harry said, amazed. "What is it the shape of?"

Neville blushed slightly. "A… a toad. But a really big one!"

The sorting commenced as usual, and then Professor Dumbledore rose to greet the students.

"Welcome back, to Hogwarts, my friends!" There was applause, and then he continued. "Now, before we begin our meal, let us say grace… follow along with me… ahem..

**__**

Jahova, Buddha, Jesus too, who loves ya, baby, time to chew.

This gave rise to a roar of laugter from the whole room, and then the food appeared on the plates and mouths began chewing.

"Hey Harry?" Ron whispered, leaning over. "Who's that guy sitting next to Snape up there?"

Harry followed his gaze and observed a man in a blue velvet suit, with a lot of frilly stuff by the neck. He had glasses and a "male" necklace. He seemed to be getting along great with the other teachers, and when he apparently finished a joke, even Snape had the makings of a smile on his face.

"I guess he's the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher." Harry said with a shrug. "He sure looks like a nice guy…"

"Who's that, sitting in Filch's chair?" Ron asked. Harry looked once again to see a tall man, completely bald with a spider vein running on the right side of his head. He wore a featureless grey outfit, and Harry also saw a tiny little man sitting next to him, almost identical to the former in every way.

"I dunno," Harry replied. "Do you think they got rid of Filch?"

"Oy, I hope so." Ron said over a mouthful of fries. "He's one of the first I'd like to see sacked."

Finally, the remnants of the food had disappeared, and Dumbledore rose to make the usual announcements.

"I would like to welcome everyone back to Hogwarts, those familiar to our halls, and those new as well." He said, his voice rumbling through the great hall. "I would first like to remind our first year students that the forest on the school grounds is strictly off limits. Secondly, I would like everyone to welcome our new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Powers." There was scattered applause, and the man stood up and gave a jaunty bow.

"Smashing, man!" he said. "I can't tell you what an honor it will be to be working with such fine people as yourselves. Oooh…" He began rubbing his neck.

"What's wrong with your neck?" Dumbledore whispered to him.

"I took a Viagra. Got stuck in me throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours."

"I THANK YOU!" they said together, and the whole school laughed.

"Anyway," Dumbledore continued, "I am also sad to announce that our caretaker, Argus Filch, is no longer with us."

Instead of heartfelt sympathy, there were massive rounds of applause. Dumbledore shot a spark from his wand to call for silence, then continued. "Fortunately, we have a new caretaker! Meet Dr. Evil!" There was barely any applause, and actually a few boos.

"What?" Dr. Evil asked, standing up. "What did I do?"

"He's starkers already, I can tell." Ron whispered to Harry.

Dumbledore continued. "Dr. Evil will be taking on all the responsibilities of caretaker, so I want you to be on your best behavior, lest you be caught. And now, to bed everyone! Off you go!"

And, at last, they arrived in front of the Fat Lady.

"Password?"

Ron stepped up. "Mecca Lecca Hi Mecca Hiney Hiney Ho."

The portrait swung forward, and there was the familiar Gryffindor common room! Harry went straight to the dormitories and was asleep before anyone else.


	2. Mojo Majora

**__**

Mojo Majora

"Here's our new schedules!" Hermione said to them excitedly at breakfast, and she passed Ron and Harry a sheet of parchment.

Harry studied it carefully. "Not bad, for a Monday," he said. "Double Defense Against The Dark Arts, Transfiguration, and Potions in the morning, and in the afternoon we've got Care of Magical Creatures, Herbology, and Charms."

"I do hope Snape has gotten a bit kinder since last year's fiasco," Hermione said.

"_Professor_ Snape, Hermione," Harry corrected her in a brilliant imitation of Dumbledore's voice. "And he's probably still a nasty old git."

"Harry, he _cares_ about you!" Hermione said. "Can't you tell? He went right to the Order when you didn't show up from the forest last year! He gave Umbridge _fake_ Veritaserum, so you wouldn't spill the beans on all of us!"

"Well he could _act_ a little nicer, though." Harry grumbled. "Every year, Snape has acted like a big, giant…"

"Unless it's the morning sun causing my ears to burn," an icy voice whispered in Harry's ear, "I do believe I hear people talking about me."

Harry looked up at the looming figure of Professor Severus Snape. "Good morning, _Professor_ Snape," Harry said coldly.

Snape's eyes glittered. "What were these insults being said about me, I wonder? 'Nasty old git' was it? And a 'big, giant' something… that's twenty points from Gryffindor… for EACH insult."

Hatred filled Harry's face.

Snape smiled icily. "Carry on." and he was gone.

When he was safely out of earshot, Harry threw his hands up and said, "YOU SEE?!"

"Well, you're not supposed to insult teachers as a general school rule." Hermione told him. "So you deserve those 20 points off."

Harry glowered at her, but said nothing as he consumed the rest of his breakfast. After a few minutes, Ginny spoke from his left.

"You know, Harry, you could _try_ talking out your differences with Snape…"

"Hah." Harry spat. "No way. Nothing with him, ever again."

Ginny looked hurt, and Harry felt an immediate pang of guilt. How could she ever feel for him if he was going to talk to her like that?

"Sorry…Ginny, I'm sorry." he said.

"'s okay." she said quietly.

Just then, the bell rang to begin the morning classes.

The Gryffindor students were gathered in the Defense Against The Dark Arts classroom, which was Sans Professor Powers at the moment.

"I hope he teaches us stuff like you taught us in D.A. last year," Neville Longbottom whispered to Harry. "I'm kind of rusty on Summoning charms and the Leg Locker curse."

"I'm sure he will." Harry said. "I have a good feeling about him."

Just then, the door swung open, and Professor Powers entered the room.

"Good morning everyone!" He said, bowing. "Welcome, to Defense Against The Dark Arts, sure to become the GROOVIEST class you'll have this year! Heh heh heh, yes… In this class, we'll learn about evil squares like You-Know-Who, we'll study curses and hexes, and, more importantly, how to defend against them, baby."

Hermione raised her hand.

"Yes, go ahead," Powers said.

"Er, are you aware of what we're up to in terms of studies?" she asked.

He cocked his head at her. "What's your name?"

She blushed. "Hermione. Hermione Granger."

He smiled. "Well, Miss Granger… shall we shag now, or shag later?"

Hermione blushed the same shade of scarlet as the Hogwarts Express.

"It's a joke!" Powers explained. "I'm just trying to get a laugh out of you! You know, for sh*ts and giggles!" He chuckled. "No, but seriously, I know exactly where you left off. Professor Dumbledore has told me all about Mister Harry Potter, there, in the back, and how he educated you all. And to Harry, let me just say: You've got some serious Mojo, man."

Harry slid down in his chair. "Um.. thank you."

"Now, let's begin, shall we?" Powers swished his wand in the air, and words were written on the chalkboard.

__

Defense Against the Dark Arts: Lesson 1

How To Block Strong Curses and Hexes

"This may seem like a major task," Powers said, "But it's really very simple. You just gotta have Mojo, yeah! Let me demonstrate how to do it. Mr. Longbottom… shall we?"

Neville winced. He wasn't used to being called up to do things in front of the class.

"Oh, come on, man, it's all right! You're not going to get hurt!" Powers encouraged him. Reluctantly, Neville joined him at the front of the room.

"This is for demonstration purposes, _only._" Powers informed the class. He turned jauntily to Neville. "I'm gonna make you angry, man." He raised his wand and shouted, _"Infuriate!"_ Neville's features immediately contorted into unmistakable rage. He looked at Professor Powers in contempt, ready to kill him in a moment's notice. Nobody had ever seen Neville look this angry, and the class shifted uneasily.

"Don't be frightened," Powers told the class, noticing their uneasiness. "Just for the task. Nobody'll get hurt while Danger Powers is around. Yeah! Just had to make him mad so he can do what I want him to do." Despite this, Harry felt an immense sense of foreboding.

Powers turned to Neville. "You want to kill me, don't you?"

"Yes I do!" Neville snarled, and he lunged, but Powers held up his wand.

"Ah ah aah… not yet. Mr. Longbottom, I want you to perform the Cruciatus Curse on me." 

Despite his rage, Neville took a step back.

"Go on, it's okay." Powers said. 

Neville didn't hesitate again. He whipped his wand out, and with every intention of causing Powers unbearable pain, he roared "_Crucio!!!"_

A jet of brilliant, smoking red light burst forth from Neville's wand, but at the exact same time, Powers cried, "_Mojo majora!"_ and was enveloped in a brilliant dome of yellow light. The Cruciatus Curse hit this barrier and bounced to the site, smashing a statue in the corner. The class gasped. Powers immediately turned on Neville and said, _"Soothe!" _Neville gave a deep breath, the anger left him at once, and he became very frightened as he realized what he had just done.

"Give him a round of applause, everyone!" Powers said. There was scattered clapping. "Mister Longbottom was very brave today, and for that, I give Gryffindor House twenty points! Go on, Neville, take a bow!"

Neville blushed, gave a slight jerk forward, and returned to his seat.

Harry raised his hand eagerly.

"Yes?" Powers said.

"Can this spell block _Avada Kedavra_?"

Powers' smile disappeared. "No… I'm afraid it can't. I'm sorry, but _Avada Kedavra _is unblockable."

The bell rang.

"Well, I'd just like to say that I very much looking forward to teaching you all this year!" Powers said in closing. "Especially if we've got brave ones like Mr. Longbottom. So until next class… Keep mojulating! Yeah, Baby!"


	3. At The Hands Of The Caretaker

****

At The Hands of the Caretaker

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were on their way upstairs after Transfiguration when they heard a crash from down a nearby corridor.

"What was that?" Ron wondered.

"Probably just Peeves," Harry said.

But he was wrong, for a second later, the tiny man that they had seen sitting next to doctor evil walked into their sight. He had apparently just hit his head on a suit of armor.

"Uh, hi there!" said Ron, waving. The little man gave him the finger. "Oy! That's not proper!" The little man gave him the finger on both hands. Ron got pissed. "Little bugger…" He picked up a quill lying on the ground and threw it at the little man. It hit him in the eye, and he flung both hands over it and started going "Eee! Eee!"

The next moment, a tapestry behind them was flung aside, and Dr. Evil, the caretaker, stepped out, and he immediately rushed over to his little friend. "Mini-me! Are ya okay?"

Mini-me nodded.

"Are ya hurt?"

Mini-me shook his head.

"Do you want a hot pocket? No? An ego? Hmm… Who did this to you?"

Mini-me pointed a stubby finger at Harry and his friends.

"Really?" Dr. Evil stood slowly and approached Harry. "Harry? 's there somethin you want to tell me?"

Harry gulped. "N-no sir."

"Really?"

"Ron was provoked, sir. Your mini friend gave him the bird!"

"Riiiight. Well, I'll let it go. _Once._ Should we meet again in unfavorable circumstances, it will be far less pleasant."

"Yes sir."

Dr. Evil took Mini-me's hand. "Let's go, Mini-me. We'll ask the house-elves to make us hot pockets."

After Dr. Evil was safely gone, Hermione said, "I really don't like him!"

"Hey, at least he's better than Filch," Harry offered.

"Still, he looks like a guy you don't want to piss off," Ron said.

"Well, come on it's time for Potions." Hermione said.

Potions class went as usual. Snape and Harry were at each other's throats, and Malfoy and his cronies did everything they could to try to screw up Harry's potion.

"Ignore them, Harry," Ron said from the table behind, where he and Hermione were working together. "Not worth your time."

Harry tried his very best to shut out everything but the task at hand, but he was startled a half-hour later by a loud bang. Ron's potion had gone wrong, and his hands were covered in thick green slime.

"My, my, my, Mr. Weasley…" Snape said from the front of the room. "It seems like more than one person in here is completely incompetent."

Neville's fists clenched.

"Zero marks for today, Mr. Weasley. Pity."

Ron growled, but Hermione said, "Ignore him, ignore him. Here, let me help you wipe your hands off." She grabbed a cloth and started rubbing Ron's hands down.

A chill went through Ron as he felt Hermione's hands run the cloth over his own. And when she was done, she looked up at him with a smile, and their eyes locked for a few blissful seconds. Unfortunately, the bell rang, so they had no more time for the moment.

Ron found himself pondering the mysterious feeling that had just overcome him. All she did was wipe his hands down. That's all. But the way she had done it, so slow and gentle… and that look in her eyes… it was almost like she was longing for something… like she had been waiting for that moment.

"Ron? Are you okay?" Hermione asked, causing him to snap out of his thoughts.

"Huh? Oh… yeah, I'm okay."

She smiled at him. "I'm glad. Come on, it's lunchtime!"

Ron smiled back, but his insides were in turmoil. Something was definitely changing. And it was good. 


	4. Missing Mojo

****

Missing Mojo

The next afternoon, they had a single Defense Against The Dark Arts lesson, and they were once again gathered in Professor Powers' classroom.

"Welcome back, class," Powers said. "Yesterday I showed you how having _mojo_ can help block curses. So today we'll be testing YOUR mojo! I want you to form a line, and one by one, I'll see how mojulated you each are!"

Hermione was first.

"Are you my twin sister, baby?" Powers asked with a grin.

Neville followed.

"How come you don't have a girlfriend yet?"

Ginny was next. 

"Ooh, you're SHAGADELIC, baby!"

Harry was after her.

"Hmm… let's see…" Powers prodded Harry carefully with his wand, and frowned. "This is heavy, man."

"What?" Harry asked.

"Well, in terms of Mojo, my friend… I'm afraid you have but a pinch."

Harry felt himself going red. Everybody else laughed, half making fun, half out of sympathy.

"Is there anything I can do about it?" Harry asked, mortified. How was he ever going to get Ginny to fall for him if he had no Mojo?

"Well, you gotta work up to your potential Mojo."

"How do I do that?"

"Well anybody with good Mojo can help you."

"But how…?"

The bell rang just then, and Powers immediately proceeded to dismiss the class.

Ginny stayed behind, because she had dropped her books on the floor, and after everyone else had left, she tugged on Harry's sleeve, and whispered in his ear, "I'll help you." and left.

Harry was stunned into silence the rest of the day. 

__

Meanwhile, in the realm of the Dark Lord…

"Wormtail!!!"

"Y-y-yes sir?"

"Have we had any luck figuring out when the Society of Wizarding Fanfiction Authors is going to meet?"

Wormtail gulped. "N-no sir. They seem to have shrouded the whole affair in somewhat of an Invisiblity Cloak."

Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "Wormtail… come here."

Wormtail went trembling to his master.

"Did you just use a simile in front of me?"

"Y-y-y-es sir…"

"And do you know what the punishment is?"

Wormtail began to snivel.

Voldemort leaned back in his chair and smiled. "Now, let's see… let me pick out a good one… Ah yes! My partner Wormtail is just like a shriveled slug!"

In a flash of blue light, Wormtail transformed into a slimy, wrinkled, gelatinous mass. Voldemort put a time delay of resolution of an hour on him, and then turned to the Death Eaters who were standing by his side.

"We have to get into that conference," he said sternly. "My favorite author is going to be there, and I must get his autograph."

The Death Eaters looked at each other, and then Lucius Malfoy said, "My Lord, are you sure we've got our priorities straight?"

At the very sound of this question, Voldemort cast the Cruicatus Curse on Malfoy. "NEVER QUESTION MY PRIORITIES, SCUM!" He roared.

"My apologies, my apologies!" Lucius cried when the curse was lifted. "You are merciful, my lord!"

"Flattery will get you nowhere, you little sh*t. Now get out my sight."

"Yes master!"

Voldemort turned. "You two! Go do whatever you have to to find out when this conference is. If I don't meet Father Hulk I'm holding you two responsible."

"Yes my Lord."


	5. Mojo Lessons

****

Mojo Lessons

All that day, Harry was wondering exactly how Ginny would help him raise his Mojo. And then, at dinner, a note was passed down the table that read,

__

Meet me in the old Transfiguration Room at midnight.

~G. W. ^_^

At midnight, Harry walked into the old classroom, and nobody was there!

"Hello?" he called. "Ginny? Anyone here?"

"YAAAH!" screamed a voice, and Harry's vision immediately went dark as something heavy fell on him from behind. It took him a moment to realize that Ginny had jumped on him and put her hands over his eyes.

"Hi!" she said, full of energy despite the time. She smiled slyly and said, "Ready for your first lesson?"

Harry gulped. "What exactly do you do to raise Mojo?"

She walked towards him slowly. "You have to… well, just let me show you." She put her arms around him, and he shivered. "Do you like it when I hold you, Harry?" she whispered. "Or how about when I do this…" In the next moment, her soft lips met his, and she squeezed him tight as they shared a truly wonderful kiss.

"That was awesome," Harry said.

"Oh, we're just getting started."

They spent the next two hours kissing, and touching, and holding each other. Ginny showed him things he had only dreamed of before. She slipped her hands under his shirt and massaged his back while they kissed… she showed him exactly where to touch a girl… and she seemed to know how to do all the things that drove him wild.

She had her arms wrapped around his neck and was kissing him when the school clock rang.

Harry reluctantly broke the kiss to say, "Ginny, it's 2:30. We should go back."

She pouted, but they both stood, and Ginny said, "So am I a good teacher?" with a wink.

"Excellent teacher." He replied. "We must have another lesson soon."

"Aww, is the show over already?" said a voice.

Harry started to find Peeves sitting by the door, his chin on his fist, watching them pleasantly.

"Don't mind me, I'm just watchin'." He said.

Ginny put her arm around Harry. "Come on, let's go."


	6. Discoveries

****

Discoveries

The following morning, Harry woke upall smiles.

"What are you so bloody cheerful for?" Ron asked.

Harry knew Ron would not take it pleasantly if he knew Harry had been intimate with his sister last night, so he said, "I dreamt I played Quidditch for Great Britain."

Ron eyed him over suspiciously but had no choice to accept this response. He hurried to get his robes on, went downstairs, and he didn't notice Hermione walking into him until he hit the floor.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" she cried. "I didn't look where I was going, I had so many books to carry… here," she put her books on the table and extended her hand to him. He grabbed on and pulled himself up, and when he stood fully, they were very close to each other… their eyes met… Ron could feel her breath on his neck… was she breathing more quickly? He couldn't tell… And there was that look in her eyes again… that longing… that desire… They were all alone in the common room… he couldn't hold his feelings in anymore. Ever since their eyes had locked in Potions a week ago, he knew… and before he could stop himself, he enveloped her in a warm, loving embrace.

She was surprised, but closed her eyes and sighed. "Mmm… that's nice, Ron…" When she pulled back, she asked, "Why did you do that?"

"It's National Hug Day," Ron lied smoothly. "Give the one you love a hug!"

Hermione drew in a very sharp breath. "What did you just say?"

Ron took both her hands in his own. "I said, 'Give the one you love a hug.'"

Her lip quivered. "Does that mean…?"

He placed a finger over her lips, and a tear slipped from her eye. "Ron… I've been waiting so long to have this conversation with you."

Ron lifted her chin up and kissed her, their lips brushing at first, and then locking as they shared the kiss that God had wrote in his planbook sixteen years ago.

They were interrupted, however, within several moments by a small moan coming from an armchair facing the fire.

"What was that?" Hermione asked. Ron tiptoed over to the chair.

"OY!" He exclaimed as he saw Harry and Ginny with their arms wrapped around each other.

Harry looked up quickly. "Ron! Don't be mad! I'm sorry! It's just that… it was like…" he trailed off, unwilling to tell him the truth.

Ron stood there, observing them for a moment, turned to Ginny, and said, "At least you got yourself a decent guy this time, Gin."

Everyone laughed.


	7. Bad Things To Come

****

Bad Things To Come

That morning at breakfast, (where new seating arrangements took place; Harry next to Ginny across from Ron next to Hermione) Professor Dumbledore rose for the morning announcements.

"Good morning, my students! Before we begin breakfast, I have a wonderful surprise for everyone!"

"Malfoy is leaving…" Harry hoped under his breath. "Malfoy is leaving… Malfoy is leaving… Malfoy is leaving…"

Dumbledore continued. "I am spledidly pleased to announce that the Society of Wizarding Fanfiction Authors is holding their annual summit here at Hogwarts!" There was a moment's silence, and then he went on. "This esteemed group spends all their time during the year creating the very best of the fanfiction world, and every year they collaborate all their work together and publish it to the public. It will truly be an honor to have them here. And now, we eat!"

"I've read a fanfiction novelette that the SWFA put out…" Harry said thoughtfully. "Pretty good stuff. I'd almost think…" He stopped dead. His brain was acting not of his own will again, and it scared the crap out of him.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Ginny asked.

"He's happy…" Harry replied slowly. "He's really happy."

***********

Voldermort laughed, a high, cackling laugh.

"What's wrong, my lord?" Lucius Malfoy asked.

"I'm happy." He replied. "I'm really happy."

"Why?"

"Because I just found out where the SWFA is meeting!"

"Oh."

"Next week, we're going to Hogwarts!"

Crabbe Sr. gulped and said, "But is that a good idea? I mean, you're still afraid of Dumbledore, and he's there, so…"

__

"Crucio!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"I'm not afraid of ANYBODY! And besides, we're only going to get some autographs, that's all… ZZZZZ…." he began to doze in his chair.

"Umm… my lord…" Malfoy said, and Voldemort sprung awake to realize he still had his wand focused on Crabbe, who seemed to have blacked out.

"My bad."

****

Coming next update: Dr. Evil makes his mark on the students, and the SWFA will arrive at Hogwarts. What awaits our young heroes? Wait and see!


	8. Dr Evil's Treachery

****

Dr. Evil's Treachery

"Throw it!"

"Catch it!"

"I thought I saw the Snitch!"

"Hey! That's not fair!"

"Ouch!"

The intense Quidditch match raged on. The Quaffle changed hands so many times that if you blinked, someone else had it. The score was 80-90 in Slytherin's favor, and Harry was way up high, straining his eyes for the Golden Snitch. He was rudely interrupted by a sharp jolt to the side of his broom.

"Oops, sorry about that!" Malfoy sneered. "Musta lost control."

"You'll lose more than that if you keep it up," Harry warned him. Malfoy simply snickered.

And then, there was a flash of gold! It was the Snitch! Malfoy had seen it first, and zoomed off towards it, but Harry's broom was faster, and soon he and Malfoy were neck and neck. Malfoy's arms were longer… he'd get it if Harry didn't do something…

"Hey, look!" Harry cried, pointing to the stands. "Isn't that Tina Turner?"

"WHERE? WHERE???" Malfoy exclaimed, zooming around in the direction that Harry pointed. But it was too late then. Harry got the Snitch, and Gryffindor had won!

"You son of a bee-hatch!" Malfoy roared. "I'm going to beat the shit out of you later!"

"I can't wait," Harry said sarcastically. Malfoy charged at him and pushed him down in the mud, knocking Ron down as well.

"Oy!" Ron cried. "Alright, Malfoy, put up your dukes!"

"Nobody will be putting up anything!" said Professor McGonagall. "Look at you two, you're dripping with mud! Go get cleaned up, right now!"

"Yes, Professor."

Harry and Ron went inside, and were on their way up to the bathroom, when Harry felt something bite him on the leg. It was Dr. Evil's clone, Mini-Me!

"Hey! Get off, get off!" Harry snarled, shaking his leg. "Little bugger…"

"I beg your pardon…" said a steely voice behind them. "But I know you're not insulting my clone, are you?"

Harry and Ron slowly turned around.

Dr. Evil scowled at them. "Dripping mud all over again, are we? Remember when Filch told you he was sick of that?"

**__**

ZOOOM!

"Filth!" he shouted, his jowls aquiver, his eyes popping alarmingly as he pointed at the muddy puddle that had dripped from Harry's Quidditch robes. "Mess and muck everywhere! I've had enough of it, I tell you! Follow me, Potter!"

**__**

ZOOOM!

"See? He did say that."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Yes, very clever."

"Well I'm afraid that I'm sick of it, too. And I'm afraid that you two will have to suffer the…(pinky to mouth) consequences…"

Ron and Harry looked at each other, worried.

"Come with me, boys!" and Dr. Evil strode down the corridor.

Ron and Harry were considering running the other way when Mini-Me pushed their legs from behind, and they had no choice but to follow.

They arrived in Dr. Evil's office, done in metallic walls with a big table with many chairs around it, and a time machine and rocket ship in the corners.

"Welcome to my Caretaker's Lair," Dr. Evil said, then he said to Mini-Me, "Chain them up!"

"Wait!" Harry protested. "You can't chain us up! It's against the rules!"

"Shh!"

"But you can't…"

"Shh!"

"But!"

"You have won a free getaway to SHH island!"

"You just can't…"

"She loves you, yeah, yeah, SHH!"

Harry resumed silence, exasperated. Mini-Me tied Harry and Ron each to a separate wooden table, which was then propped up against the wall at an angle. Dr. Evil was over in the corner, retrieving some equipment. And then he said to Mini-Me, "Will you do the honors?"

Mini-Me grinned, and he went over to Dr. Evil and came back with a big, black, humming box. He then lifted up two long, slender cylinders that were attached to the box, each had sparks coming from the tips.

Harry's eyes widened in fear. Ron choked.

Mini-Me smiled and pointed at them.

Dr. Evil rose and put his hands together.

"Let's begin, shall we?"

The people in the Astronomy Tower heard the screams.


	9. The Society Of Wizarding Fanfiction Auth...

****

The Society of Wizarding Fanfiction Authors

"Good morning, boys!" sang Hermione as Harry and Ron limped downstairs. Her expression changed when she noticed the severe limp they each had. "What happened to you?"

"We… are forbidden to tell what transpired," Harry grumbled.

"Let's just say this: being kicked there will tickle now." Ron added.

Hermione looked even more worried, but said, "Well, try to cheer up. The SWFA is coming today, and everyone is really excited."

Ron rolled his eyes. "The last good story I read by them was two years ago by some crackpot named Spoon Luv… then he went on hiatus and now all they turn out is crap."

"What about this one?" Hermione asked.

"Huh?"

"This story. The one that we're in right now. Isn't this a good one?"

Ron looked around. "It's okay, I guess. I'm just glad that the author didn't pair me up with some Slytherin girl."

"Trust me, Father Hulk isn't that evil," said Harry. "Besides, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be with Ginny, my true love!"

"Flattery will get you everywhere!" Ginny cried, jumping on Harry's back. "Good morning!"

"OUCH OUCH OUCH!" Harry screamed. "Try not to make me bend over, it's really painful."

Suddenly, a voice echoed through the room.

**__**

Guys, you have to stop talking and go down to breakfast. The SWFA will be here soon, and we want you to be there.

Harry looked up. "Well, you're the author, so why don't you make us go down there?"

**__**

Oh, yeah that's right… Ok…

They went down to breakfast, where everyone was chattering excitedly about the arrival of the Society of Wizarding Fanfiction Authors. Magazines, novelettes, and novels were being passed around as students pointed out their favorite authors and stories.

"Harry!" Cried Lavender Brown as he sat down at the table, "Look at this cute Powerpuff Girls story! It's just so adorable…"

"Not like this one," said Padma Patil… "Buttercup takes a bath with Butchie… UGH! How disgusting can you get?"

"Well, this Dragon Ball Z story…"

"What about this one?"

Finally, Professor Dumbledore rose to make the announcements. "Welcome to another day at Hogwarts, my children! I'm delighted to announce that today, the Society of Wizarding Fanfiction Authors will arrive! I'm sure you are all equally excited as I am." Suddenly, a loud bell rang through the hall. "Ah! Here they are now! Dr. Evil, will you let them in?"

"Why me?"

"For two reasons. Firstly, you're the caretaker. And second, _you're closest to the door!_"

Grumbling, Dr. Evil got up to welcome in the SWFA.

What a procession it was! One by one, the authors came in, carrying note pads, and quills and parchment. They each chose different tables to sit at. Gryffindor table was chosen by two authors named The Jersey Kid, and the Great 2ie. They seemed to be arguing.

"…and they make up a great deal of the popular fanfiction!" the Jersey Kid was snarling.

"No! They're disgusting! Lemons must all be destroyed!" 2ie shot back.

Following the authors was a tall, thin man with pale skin. He wore a leisure suit and a hat tipped rakishly over one eye.

"Reporter for the Quibbler," he told Dumbledore. "Just going to take notes about the summit."

Dumbledore eyed him suspiciously but nodded. Only Professor Powers gave the reporter the evil eye. "What's your name, then?" he asked.

"Tommy Enigma," the reporter said with a smile.

The leader of the SWFA, Ivan Nuglybut, went up to the front of the room to speak to everyone.

"Good morning, students and staff of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! My name is Mr. Nuglybut, first name Ivan. We are so thrilled to be holding our annual summit here! While we're here, we will be holding a contest to see which of you can turn out the best fanfiction of your own! We will be holding judging at the end of the term! Also, feel free to attend our meetings and listen in if you don't have any classes. That said, we are glad to be here!" there was applause, and then Ivan took out a little card, scrutinized it and said, "Oh, one more thing… who is Draco Malfoy?"

Draco sank lower in his seat.

"We have reports that you are an insolent little sh*t. Because of this, you are banned from the contest. Thank you."

After breakfast, Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Hermione ran after Father Hulk in the hallways.

"Mr. Hulk! Mr. Hulk!"

Father Hulk turned around, and looked up from his notepad. "Well hello there, children! How can I help you?"

"We just want to say that we think this is a really good story!" Ginny said.

"Well thank you!" Hulk said with a bow.

"In fact, we were just wondering what's going to happen at the end."

Hulk smiled. "Well, I can't tell you. And I'm also afraid I have to end this chapter now."

"No!" Hermione cried. "You can't!"

"I'm sorry but I have to."

"Nooooo! We'll stop you! We will stop…"


	10. Preparing For The Contest and Prof Power...

****

Preparing For The Contest and Prof. Powers's False Alarm

After breakfast, Harry and his friends prepared to make their way to their first class when they were stopped by the Quibbler reporter, who had a quill ready.

"Mr. Potter, Tommy Enigma from the Quibbler. Mind if I ask you a few quick questions?"

"Sure, but make it quick."

"What are your feelings about the SWFA?"

Harry thought for a moment. "Well, the vast majority of the time their work is very very good. I'm not saying I like all of it though."

"Do you plan to enter the fanfiction contest?"

Harry nodded. "I'll try my hardest."

Tommy smiled. "That often is the best thing to do. Well, I wish the best of luck to all of you."

"He's weird," Ginny said after Tommy had strode down the hall.

"So you have something in common with him," Harry joked. In the next instant, Ginny was busying herself giving a vigorous noogie to Harry. "Ouch, ouch! It was a joke! A joke!"

"Get him, Gin, get him! Make it hurt!" Ron encouraged.

"Noogies for everyone!" she cried, and she jumped on Ron and gave him an equally vigorous noogie.

"Oy…"

During lunch, Harry and Ron were trying to figure out stories to write for the competition.

"I got it!" Harry said finally. "I'll write about a bunch of creatures called Hobbits, and how they have to destroy a magic ring! Maybe it can even be made into a movie!"

Ron cleared his throat quietly.

"What?" Harry asked, annoyed.

"Um, J.R.R. Tolkien has already done that. It's called the Lord of the Rings, and it is now a movie."

"Okay, you have to tell me these things, Ron. I've been stuck in the Dursleys' house every summer and don't have a chance to see stuff, okay? All right, new plan… I got it! I'll write a story about what happens between _The Empire Strikes Back _and _Return of the Jedi_! I'll call it _Shadows of the Empire!"_

Ron cleared his throat again. "That, too, has also been done."

"Shit."

Meanwhile, Hermione and Ginny were also making preparations.

"So what kind of story are you going to write?" Hermione asked Ginny.

"Well, it's obvious," Ginny said. "I'm going to write a HP based sweeping love story about Harry and I." She sighed and smiled. "I just wish lemon content wasn't banned." She laughed mischievously.

"Well, I'm going to write about how Goku and Maajin-Buu (dunno if I spelled that right. ~M.J.) finally settle their differences through logic and reasoning."

"Good luck," said Ginny, rolling her eyes.

While all this was transpiring, Professor Powers was in the dungeons helping Snape clean up from the Potions class. He was joined by the Quibbler reporter, who was interviewing Draco Malfoy.

"…and I think that you should write lots of bad stuff about Harry Potter, too."

Tommy eyed him. "All you've done in this interview is talk about how much you hate Harry Potter."

"Uhh…"

"Don't worry, I'd do the same thing."

Professor Powers heard this, and looked over at Snape. "Do you find that cat to be a bit odd?"

Snape looked up. "Not at all."

"He's a bit strange… I almost feel some kind of bad energy coming from him."

"Like an Anti-Mojo?"

Powers nodded. "Good call, man." Suddenly his vision was arrested by seeing Tommy Enigma lift a test tube to his lips, filled with a bright brown liquid.

"MY MOJO!!!!" Powers cried, and he lunged at Tommy and seized the tube from his hands and gulped it down.

Tommy glared at him. "Dude… calm down, that was my iced tea!"

"Oh… sorry."

"Never mind. I must go meet Father Hulk now."

Tommy left the dungeons, an evil smile forming on his face. He drew out his wand as he approached the room where the SWFA was meeting. He reached in the door and pulled Father Hulk out.

"What is this?" Father Hulk demanded.

"Calm down, right now," Tommy said. "I've been eager to meet you, Father Hulk… we have MUCH talking to do." and he raised his wand.


	11. The Story Finally Sees Some Action

****

The Story Finally Sees Some Action

Tommy raised his wand, and…. and…. and…!!! He conjured his autograph book! (Foghorn) (HA HA!)

"May I have your autograph, Father Hulk?"

Father Hulk seemed suspicious. "Why couldn't you wait until after the meeting?"

Tommy searched the air for words.. "Ummm… I have A.D.D."

"What?"

"A.D.D. I'd have forgotten by the time… Oh, hello Mrs. Norris!" Tommy bent down to pick up the cat. "Who's a good kitty? Yes you are! Yes you are!"

Father Hulk cleared his throat. "You were saying, Enigma?"

Tommy looked up. "Huh? Oh yeah, the autograph. Well, It'll only take a minute, so I was hoping you could do it now."

Father Hulk sighed. "Very well, let me get a quill…" 

While Father Hulk's back was turned, two Death Eaters Apparated behind Tommy. One of them tapped him on the shoulder.

"What is it?" Voldemort hissed. "This is not a good time."

"Well, I just wanted to let you know that we came up with a brilliant plan." said Wormtail.

"What is it then?"

Lucius Malfoy spoke. "We realized that you can kill Harry Potter while you're here, as well as get that autograph!"

Voldemort looked at them like a cat looks at a mouse before killing it. "You came up with that just now? That's been my plan this whole time, you nincompoops! Get out of my sight!"

Lucius and Wormtail Disapparated just as Father Hulk turned back around. "Okay, here we go… to Tommy… Enigma, from… Father Hulk. There! Now can I PLEASE go back to the meeting?"

"Of course, of course! Thank you again!"

Voldemort smiled evily as Hulk went back inside. The night of the judging, he would have his revenge against Potter, and he'd secure ALL the autographs of the SWFA! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Eee hee hee! ……..Wait, why am _I_ laughing? I'm just the narrator… Hmm, weird. Okay, moving on…

The night of the judging came at last! It was to take place after a magnificent feast in the Great Hall.

"So what kind of story did you write?" Ron asked Harry as they ate.

"It's a surprise." said Harry.

"Did you write about _me?_" Ginny asked romantically.

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"Grr…"

Finally, the tables were cleared, and the raised area was cleared for the ceremony. Ivan Nuglybut took the podium.

"We will now judge the fanfiction written by the students at Hogwarts!"

Massive applause. Nobody noticed Voldemort and all his Death Eaters over in the corner, thanks to the new, improved Invisibility _Quilt._ But they clapped anyway.

They began in alphabetical order. There were stories about Dragonball Z, stories based on novels, and TV shows… there were lots of Anime stories… etc etc… Hermione wrote a story called _Logic Problems: The novel._ Here's a short excerpt.

__

"Who wants pizza?" Mr. Smith asked his children.

"Oh, me! Me! Me!"

"What would you like on it?" he asked.

The first child said, "I want pepperoni but no mushrooms."

The second child said, "I want mushrooms but no pepperoni."

The third child said, "I want mushrooms and pepperoni."

Mr. Smith scratched his head. "Gee, this is a tough one. Well, let's draw a pie chart and figure out how to divide this up." His brow furrowed. "This is a toughie." He began to sweat. "Okay, I've got it!"

Finally, it was time for Harry's story.

"This is a story," he began, "Where I kick Vol--… You know who's ass! I beat the crap out of him, and I kill him!"

Voldemort's blood began to boil… ooh, he could feel that _avada kedavra_ itching to get out of his wand… he would kill him…

"Here we go." Harry continued. "There once was a scumbag called You Know Who…"

Professor Powers was listening to the story with interest, and just as he pulled out a hip flask to drink from, Voldemort and the Death Eaters threw off the Invisibility Quilt and charged forward, knocking Professor Powers aside, and shattering the hip flask.

"NOOOO!" He cried. "My Mojo!!!"

Voldemort strode right at Harry. "Time to die, little boy. AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"Mojo Majora!" Harry cried the same instant. The green light didn't kill him, but it knocked him back, and his wand flew across the floor. The students and staff were backed against the wall in utter horror.

"Let's see you try that again, fool," Voldemort sneered. He raised his wand again, but then a stunning spell hit him right in the back. Harry gasped to see Professor Powers coming forward, his wand raised.

"Harry, you run on." he said. "I'll take him. This time, it's personal."

Powers and Voldemort dueled all across the room. Powers jumped over statues and backflipped over tables, while Voldemort kept trying to curse him.

"You can't win," Powers said coldly. "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

"Actually," said Nearly Headless Nick, who came in out of nowhere, "Once you die you are so weak that it's pathetic."

"Oh…" Powers scratched his head. "Right then. Then I must win!"

The duel continued and it looked like Powers was going to lose! (Oh no!)

Suddenly a voice echoed in from somewhere. "Fire the laser!"

Down from the astronomy tower came a brilliant red beam that struck Voldemort and surged through his icy cold veins and caused him to become powder and blow away on the wind. And then, just as in Zelda when you destroy the "ring leader" of a gang of enemies, the Death Eaters too vanished.

Professor Powers stood there, catching his breath, and then Dr. Evil walked in. 

"Hey," Powers said, "I owe you one!"

Dr. Evil shrugged. "Actually I was aiming for you. But oh well."

The whole great hall applauded, and then the judging resumed. At long last, Ginny read her story.

__

(From the ending)

…and they finished their seven years at Hogwarts in each other's arms, and when they graduate, the girl will propose to Harry, and wrap her arms around him and kiss him. And they will live happily ever after to the end of their days. NOTE: This WILL be a true story."

She caught Harry's eye when she said this, and Harry winked at her. Ginny simply smiled.


	12. Epilogue

****

EPILOGUE

The school year ended, and Harry was once again shipped back to the Dursleys. He bid a very fond farewell to Ginny, (It must have been fond because they went into an empty compartment) and said goodbye to Ron and Hermione, and then got off the train.

Uncle Vernon seemed distraught when Harry showed up. "Get in the car. NOW!"

Once they got back to Privet Drive, Vernon confronted him. "Your Aunt Petunia has taken out a subscription to this meshugenah paper called _The Daily Prophet._ Seems she's concerned all of a sudden about… about… _your_ lot."

"Okay, and…?"

Vernon thrust the _Accent_ section of the paper at him. "Is this your doing???"

Harry couldn't believe it. They had published his story!

"Yes it is," he said proudly. "What of it?

Vernon seemed to be quivering with rage, but then… he said, "Are you going to write a sequel?"

Harry was dumbstruck. "Uh, I didn't plan on…"

"INTO THE CUPBOARD THEN. GO! NOW!"

"Ok! Ok! I'll write a sequel! But I need a computer."

"No problem." said Vernon gruffly. He rumbled upstairs, plucked Dudley off the computer chair, and tossed him out the window. "Now, WRITE! I need more!!! Me… need…."

Harry patted Vernon's head. "It'll be all right. Everything's all right.

THE END!!!

__

Mojo has been written by P. Father Hulk G. 

© 2003 PDG Network in association with the St. Eva Church.

__

Coming up next from PDG Network…

He was an ordinary boy with an ordinary life… until he saves a forest hive from destruction. Now, he's been given an extraordinary talent…

****

Paul: (gasp) I can talk to the bees!

****

Queen: (flies up to him) Thank you for saving us! We owe you one! Anytime you need us, we'll be here!

__

and an extraordinary mission.

****

Paul: (runs toward the hive) The killer bees from the south are attacking!

__

Now, he'll have to become one of them…

(Scene of Paul becoming transformed into a bee)

__

And he'll have to unite them all together. The Honeybees,

(Shows Honeybees looking up from their flowers)

__

The Bumblers…

(Shows Bumblebees zooming away from their fields)

__

The Carpenters…

(Shows Carpenter Bees shooting out of their holes in the wood)

__

And the rebels…

(Yellow Jackets and Wasps zoom up from the ground and charge forward)

__

In order to protect the North against the imminent threat of the Dreaded Killers.

(Shows a scene where Killer bees and Northern bees clash and begin to fight)

__

It will be up to Paul to lead his forces to victory in America's second epic battle of the North versus the South! 

****

WHAT'S THE BUZZ

Coming soon to Fictionpress.net. Look under Father Hulk!


End file.
